So here goes:
(Drum Roll)
New Hampshire Republican Debate
I have to first say that it's been, what, just about two weeks since this modern-day, party-style Lincoln-Douglass debate happened. Since then, I've been thinking, literally daily, about how best to summarize this evening for you.
Well, just as we exited the never-ending NHL season, we entered the regular season of an equally frigid stand-off that promises to leave at least a few contenders toothless and bloodied. But Monday's debate among seven of the candidates for the Republican nomination looked and sounded more like a fraternity reunion at the Nascar track than the free-for-all you may have expected. And while the noticeable lack of elbow throwing was a little disappointing, I'm happy to report that plenty of previously-known opinions were rehashed, very little new light was shed, and literally nothing changed between pre-debate and post-debate polling. Still, there is no doubt in this guy's mind that we just had the pleasure of witnessing the 21st century Lincoln-Douglass discourse.
Before I continue, I should warn my epileptic audience that the linked videos contained herein are ridiculously over-stimulating. Continuing their noble tradition of really overdoing it (remember the Will.i.am hologram who used the Force to speak to us on election night '08?), CNN went bonkers, inviting viewers to tweet @CNN #CNNdebate, like the event on Facebook, friend the moderator on LinkedIn, check in on FourSquare, live Blog along with the press corps assembled, scan the QR barcode for exclusive information and Google chat your emotions using only emoticons throughout the evening. It was like being there! They kept telling us.
The night was all smiles from everyone but the moderator, John King, who awkwardly "mmhmmed" nearly every sentence uttered from the stage and who clearly was displeased to have not been allowed to ask his own questions. The night really began with a strong showing from your neighbor (neighvor?) and mine, T-Paw$$. Who actually used his home-spun appeal to cast himself as my neighbor. Not only am I positive that Mr. Pawlenty lives nowhere near me, I know that I've never even visited his home state. So his banal assertion that he is my neighbor really just made me angry. Because he was lying. And because it was reminiscent of when one Delaware would-be Senator kept insisting that she IS me, and not a witch. Even though she pretty clearly wasn't me and made several statements asserting that witchcraft had at least been a pastime for her. (In my perfect world, Christine O'Donnell would have been on that stage, standing somewhere between Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.)
All and all, the debate came off to me as a coffee chat between some alarming like-minded people (excluding Ron Paul) who agree on a lot of things. That still leaves room, of course, for notable moments:
- Rick Santorum compared the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell to social experimentation. He actually didn't even compare DADT's repeal to social experimentation, he just call the repeal a social experiment. This from the man whose book asserted that any household which relied on two incomes was living beyond their means. Most of what he is says is about that logical. Look out, he's a comer.
- Ron Paul transitioned from the topic of National Debt to unemployment to his favorite Seinfeld episode to healthcare to that funny Taco Bell chihuahua to Islam in 4.8 seconds. If he were a car, he'd be a Maserati.
- The RNC make-up crew, clearly lacking the experience of making-up a female for one of these shindigs, left her looking like a Shaun of the Dead zombie.
- Herman Cain, whose profession was ambiguously identified as 'Businessman' for most of the evening (which I guess is better than Pizza guy?), prefers Deep. Dish. to thin crust. Thin crusts are for the French.
- The candidates all agree that the tenth amendment is real. They unanimously agreed to believe in the tenth amendment. Sometimes they choose not to believe something that is real (see: Global Warming). So, baby steps.
- Mitt Romney enjoys hot wings.
- Newt Gingrich is angry. He says it's because our government is failing us nowaday. I think it's probably because his whole campaign staff up and left when he went on vacation. How do you enjoy Greece with that on your mind? Selfish people, those staffers.
- Tim Pawlenty is pretty sure he likes Coke, but he can be persuaded. How unlike him.
- One question about immigration allowed each candidate to discuss how hard they had worked to be more like Jan Brewer of Arizona. Don't we all just want to be more like, Jan?
- Rick Santorum couldn't choose between Leno and Conan, which I chalk up to a moderator fail on the part of John King. Come on, man. Ask the Senator something he has an opinion on, like Biggie or Tupac.
- Jon Huntsman, living up to his reputed political prowess, watched from his couch.
In one of the more terrifying games of Chicken to ever occur on our political streets, Congress has failed to reach a consesnsus on whether or not we should pay our national bills. Instead, they've spent the last two weeks leaking incongruous and erratic messages on the state of negotiations. One day, Mitch McConnell was alluding to the possibility of short-term (one to two months) ceiling increases, a huge departure from his earlier posturing. Three days later, the White House made equally optimistic statements, hinting that perhaps a concrete deal for a three month increase could happen. Three days after that, negotiations fell apart when Eric Cantor got mad, took his ball and went home, promising to never play again. Oy. I get that our debt's irresponsibly high. But we're not Greece. Just raise the roof, er--ceiling. Has anyone tried suggesting that the President and the Speaker hit the links? That has to fix it.
In an attempt to be heartfelt and patriotic for the final round of the U.S. Open, NBC chose to create a montage of children reciting parts of the Pledge of Allegiance. Funny thing was, somebody "accidentally" omitted the words "under God" from the Pledge. Oopsies. Dear NBC, You're not helping the right's opinion of you, friends. Sincerely, Brad.
Clarence Thomas is up to no good, which is an unusual shift his usual default states of doing nothing and just sitting there. Apparently, he has a rich friend named Harlan Crow who has been unusually kind to the family Thomas, mostly by offering up his significant financial means (he allegedly gave Ginny Thomas $50,000 to start her Tea Party group, which I believe is aptly called the Party Animals). The problem arises when you consider that Crow is also just throwing money at ultra-conservative causes, like that of Mrs. Thomas. I've never been a judge, but that seems like it shouldn't be cool with us, right? And all judges, not just this man with his really weird life and unfortunate reputation, should be subject to such rigorous examinations of potential conflicts. But this one is just another reason that I think Clarence's scales of justice need to be calibrated or removed from the highest court in the land.
I would be hard-pressed to choose a winner from the first Republican Debate (see above). To me, that'd be like choosing the best knife from your set of identical silverware. I'm apparently alone in this regard. Less than a week after the debate, Ron Paul cleaned house at the Republican Leadership Conference earning 612 votes. That's 240 more than the place-horse, Jon Huntsman. Who again, opted to stay home.
We crowned Miss USA this past week. And the nation sat, riveted as the big moment arrived. Luckily, judges and audiences around the country chose one of the two (1 of the 2) women in the competition who believed in evolution. Just chew on that for a second.
Okay now spit it out.
Did you vomit?
Me too.
Jon Huntsman, only days after announcing his candidacy, earned the endorsement of the Democratic Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid. Jon Huntsman ran faraway from Senator Reid and then gave a speech bashing healthcare reform. Just to prove he's actually a Republican.
In the world of what the whaaaaaa???? an LA man said he was kidnapped because of a sex tape featuring Shaq. Just read it for yourself.
Now you don't have to feel guilty for leaving today's paper in the bag. You know everything you need to know.
Until next time.
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